I am 60% through my life expectancy and I tell ya what, the algorithm really wants me to get a facelift, mess with my neck and buy a butt-tonne of anti-ageing creams and devices. I’ve just hit ‘unsubscribe’ on an email from a surgeon offering me blepharoplasty. On socials, I cancel ads from the beauty and anti-ageing industry, label them as ‘irrelevant’ and scroll on. Men tell me their ads are for hair implants and Viagra. Dear Internet, I’d rather see ads for kayaking holidays in New Zealand and 107-year-old sourdough. 

I resist the anti-ageing push because I learned a nasty truth about the beauty scam when I was an advertising agency creative. I worked with a client who sold macadamia nut oil to multinational beauty brands. There’s an ingredient in macadamia oil that you naturally have in your eyelids and that is why they remain supple for life. The client was very firm in his briefing with me when he said, “Lucy, in the anti-ageing industry all we are selling is hope.” These bastards want us to buy into the ‘seven signs of ageing’ and then part with our money and morale because we hope we can conquer the inevitable. Preferably on a subscription plan.

Comedian Judith Lucy published a book in 2023 called Turns out I’m fine. In it she came to a clear conclusion: as you age, you have two choices: look old or weird. Weird if you inject, dissect and invest in the interventions we are sold. I’m going with ‘old’ in the looks department rather than chopping up my face and body. Unless I change my mind. For now I just slap on sunscreen in the morning and a night cream if I remember, and call it a day.

So, here are the seven REAL signs of ageing, in no particular order, from someone who’s not here to flog hope, 75mls of anything, day surgery in Thailand or teeth in Turkey.

1. As one matures, we become allergic to idiots with zero tolerance for douchebags. We develop anaphylactic reactions to fools, felons and freeloaders. Just try us. I dare ya. We admire women like Helen Mirren who famously said her only regret in life is that she didn’t tell more people to fuck off. We are more likely to get involved in politics to keep said fools and felons out of office.
2. Superannuation has accumulated for those who have had the opportunity to slog it for two or more decades in well-paid work. For this reason, self managing super as a property portfolio starts to look appealing. If you have more than $250K in super, you’ve got some SMSF investigating to do. Google it. Ask your financial advisor. In my humble opinion, Australian property has a lower risk profile than shares in the current state of US-led global chaos.
3. We treasure our accountants as much as our hairdressers. This is because life has taught us that a two hour gossip, a head massage and feeling fresh is part of the mental health pie but nothing is quite as stressful as your cash in chaos. My hairdresser sends me an annual statement in early July for my tax because hair this magnificent is a deduction in my line of work. My two favourite suppliers collide in perfect harmony and a little sizzle of dopamine tingles through my butt cheeks.
4. You start attending more funerals and less festivals. Sounds dramatic and depressing but it’s true. As she clocks more birthdays my bestie attends at least three funerals a year. She has a wider circle of friends and associates than I do and in her line of work burn out, illness and tragedy show up every few months. We’re all going to die someday but the pace really picks up on the other side of 50.
5. You reduce or give up booze. Remember when you were young and carefree and could bounce back from a big night of drinking without a whiff of a hangover? Those days are over, Landrover*. As we mature, more than one glass of vino or a whisky-or-two after dark will kick us to the curb the next day like an MMA fighter. The more scientists discover about alcohol and its cancer-causing wretchedness, the more we realise the booze industry is a lot like the beauty industry: a big fat marketing machine not interested in our health at all.
6. We switch to flats and cotton, leaving killer heels, leather and latex for the bedroom.
7. Nanna naps and matinees are in. All-nighters are out. HRT is in and MLM is out. Sunrises are in. All-you-can-eat is out. Real-life engagement is in. Drama is out.

You get the drift. The seven REAL signs of ageing are all about growing up, wising up, settling in and focusing on the good stuff. 

*Landrover Defenders are the dumbest vehicles ever, in my experience. Praps the 8th sign of aging is preferring comfy cars with good air con and a banging sound system.

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Lucy Bloom is an international keynote speaker, author and occasional comedian.