My latest was a solo ticket to Amazing Silent Disco at the Australian Museum in Sydney. My schedule was all clear so off I went in my dancing shoes and a low key outfit because my hair does the heavy lifting on a night like this. It was freshly pinked, blow dried straight. Dang, I love my hair.

The human brain seeks novelty and this event offers at least ten angles for neuro-novelty: a huge dark room full of adults seeking musical nostalgia and audio delight, glow in the dark merchandise on arrival, three DJs for three channels of thumping dance music from three or four decades to flip between, all in a museum of natural artefacts, two or three bars, viewing platforms and an early night. 

I scored a street park – don’t tell Clover Moore – and I walked past a pub on William Street overflowing with groups of women dressed in sparkles downing pizzas together, most likely carb-loading before a three hour cardio sesh on the dance floor up the road. 

This concept is inclusive in so many ways: you control the volume and your music preference. Wear whatever you like. There was at least one wheel chair on the dance floor and every shape and size pouring in the doors.

My eyeball scanner, not to be confused with Meta or Anko’s pervert glasses, my actual eyeballs scanned the room and returned the following data: 95% women over 40, 30% gay, the lads in the room did not initiate the ticket purchase for tonight.

I danced in 30 minute blocks which seems to be my fitness and novelty limit before I need a change of scene and a lie down.

The only but not surprising disappointment landed at the bar which offered only Coke, Sprite and mineral water for the non-drinkers.

This happens at almost every event I speak at. There was a long menu for the boozers and an after-thought of sugar-shit for the rest of us. Everywhere I travel OS there’s an impressive list of mocktails or at the very least, a fabulous house spritzer or three. 

A third of Aussie adults don’t drink and that number is growing because, durr, alcohol causes cancer in every part of the body it passes through. Many believe booze will one day have its ‘smoking moment’ as it already has in Canada, where we accept that it is not safe at all. A moment when we realise we have just been propping up enormous business interests. Health professionals already know that no amount of alcohol is safe. All that one ‘glass of red wine a day is good for you’ research back in the 80s was funded by the businesses that want you to drink alcohol.

I took my gassy sugar offering and went to send a note to the disco organisers via Instagram while I gave my ear holes a rest from the pumping beats of Fatboy Slim. 

It’s so entertaining to listen to a huge crowd singing a capella, full pelt, three different songs at the same time, jumping to three different beats, with red, green and blue headphones, while I typed my friendly little suggestion. Suddenly the red team was pointing in unison, the blues were jumping on the offbeat and green was doing something else altogether. Nirvana, the Village People and some other beat I didn’t recognise from the early 2000s.

I was home and happy, buzzing from the fun of it all, at least half an hour before the DJs called it a night because frankly I love an early night even more than I love value for money. Glad I wore runners but I shoulda worn a sports bra. 

By the morning I had a reply to my suggestion from a chap named Tom Gay from Amazing Silent Disco. With a name like that he’d better have his inclusive drinking boots on, toot sweet. And to my delight, he asked me to send him a list of non-boozy drinks and he’d put ‘em on the menu. My immediate response was, but that’s your job Tom! Then I considered this a call to arms and have taken up the challenge*.

Lucy’s non-alcoholic drinks menu:

• Bundaberg Brewed Apple and Lychee
• Bundaberg Brewed Lemon and Watermelon
• Bundaberg Pink Grapefruit
• Raw C Pure Natural Coconut water 
• Raw C Pure Coconut water infused with pineapple
• St Ali Double Shot Iced Latte 
• St Ali Cold Brew Coffee

The upshot: Amazing Silent Disco was a banger experience and I felt super safe the whole time I was there. Absolutely worth the $70 ticket price ($45 early bird) and 10/10 now that Tom says he’ll extend the non-alcoholic drinks menu. I hope he influences this worldwide. I believe in you Tom.

* I’ve suggested Aussie made or at least Australian owned, low sugar drinks, available at the supermarket because cozzie lives, baby. I didn’t include any products that used idiotic language like ‘functionally energised’ or ‘hyper-hydration’ or told outright porkies that the 5pm craving for a drink was not about alcohol. I skipped pretend cocktails and fake wine altogether. These are problematic for people at the start of their sober life. I didn’t include any products trying to save the world or your gut. These included prebiotics, ferments, terpenes and nootropics because this is a disco in a museum, not a colonic in a flippin’ rainforest. All my reccos come in cans for dancefloor consumption with Billie Ocean beats. Enjoy.